~Communication~

Many of us have the same communication skills we learned as children. We have never examined them or acquired better ones. Then, in the midst of conflict and everyday communication, we find ourselves struggling. Some of you have heard the term “Brave Communication”, brave communication is about being prepared. It’s about being gentle and powerful and being able to have clear and loving communication in your relationships.

When my husband and I started dating we had a common ground, we both came from divorced parents. Neither of us saw healthy communication demonstrated, we learned unhealthy ways to communicate, and we were both aware it was a struggle for us. Knowing that we wanted our relationship to head into what we hoped to be a lifelong marriage, we needed help. We took a leap of faith that made our friends and family look at us sideways and went to see a marriage counselor. Going to counseling together those few months was one of the best things we did for the foundation of our relationship. The main thing we came away with were helpful tools in communication. 15 years later, they still serve us well. Are we perfect, of course not. But we are kind and loving to one another, and when we need to communicate our needs and wants we do because neither one of us are mind readers. Shocking isn’t it?

Fast forward 13 years, I’m in my first few weeks of BSSM (ministry school) and they are teaching on ‘Brave Communication’ and I got so excited! These are all the things Alex and I had learned all those years ago in (pre)marriage counseling. Here are some highlights from the notes I took:

·         Feelings are not the whole of me, but they are part.

·         If you are too feeling conscious, you will have trouble getting things accomplished/ But if you are too logic focused, you will have trouble in your relationships.

·         If your feelings are not held in balance, you’ll think they are real and they will affect how you relate to the world.

·         Don’t suppress them, but also don’t act purely on feelings, SELF CONTROL IS IMPORTANT.

·         (This is a big one!) The reason behind someone’s feelings might not make sense to you, but they are still very real, so we need to have value for people’s emotions.

·         Valuing people’s emotions and sharing yours with other people builds intimacy and they may protect your heart which builds trust.

·         We must be HUMBLE and POWERFUL.

·         Take responsibility for your feelings and choose your response to circumstances.

·         When others are communicating strong feelings, problems and issues, focus on listening. Try not to create change first, build a bridge in the relationship first.

·         Use reflective listening. (Reflective listening is repeating what they say to make sure you are hearing correctly.)

As my daughter goes through the rigorous transformation into teenagedom, I find myself reaching deeper for these tools in hopes of keeping our communication clear as she goes through all the different and hard things that come with being a teenager in today’s climate.

Whether is your spouse, your child, your parent/family member, friend, or work colleague, healthy and clear communication will serve you in your life. 

Happy Communicating!